Evaluations: 5 Varied
Supernatural Shark Movies
Textual content © Richard
Gary / Indie Horror Movies, 2022
Photographs from the Web
Each as soon as in
some time, I get an itchin’ for some actually, actually cheesy movies, particularly
throughout a pandemic when many people have been at house manner longer than one would
essentially need. So, what higher place to look than ones that mix each
“actual” life horror machines, like sharks, and the supernatural? Whereas the entire
shark fascination dates again no less than to Jaws (1975) and the
reputation of the Discovery Channel’s “Shark Week” (beginning in 1988), it was arguably
the Sharknado franchise (beginning in 2013 and counting) that kicked off the
absurdity (meant as a praise) degree of mix-and-match sharks, and…
every thing else.
These movies beneath
are usually not ranked, however are listed within the order wherein I watched them, all from
TubiTV. Be aware that my shark snark is really meant to be enjoyable and rib-poking with a
contact of stream of consciousness. I had simply the precise low-budget expectation
for these movies, so I used to be not blindsided by anticipating a theatrical extravaganza
expertise. In any case, on the subject of the cheese degree, there are occasions when
ya need melted brie on toast, and others, Cheez-Whiz on animal crackers. I
loved these movies for exactly what they’re. The approaching sights for all
of them are on the backside of the article.
Shark Exorcist
Directed by Donald
Farmer
Stratosphere Leisure;
MVD Leisure
71 minutes, 2015
www.fb.com/Shark-Exorcist-1432091707036857/
www.MVDb2b.com
Proper off the bat, you may inform this can be a grade-D
funfest within the so-bad-it’s-still-bad-yet-manages-to-be-fun-because-of-it manner.
The appearing within the intro is a sheer indication of it, to not point out the extent
of CGI shark with glowing yellow eyes. And will I say, the shark is in a Tennessee-filmed
lake. Yep, not the salt-water ocean it depends upon, however a fresh-water lake. Not
nicely researched or simply don’t give a rattling in a “Gilligan’s Island” type of manner?
Both one, I’m down for it. Within the story, an evil nun imbues a shark with the
malevolence of Devil (one of many tag phrases for the movie is “Devil has Jaws”).
In the meantime, three younger ladies who’re completely unlikeable albeit enticing drive
to the lake, and one, Ali (Angela Kerecz) is attacked. Although bloody, there are
no punctures, and she or he is now additionally possessed by the shark satan, with large, sharp
tooth to assault on the proper occasions. As one of many three, Channing Dodson does
fairly nicely within the appearing division, however Madison Carney’s efficiency (I’m
particularly wanting on the “no matter” scene on a park bench for instance) is
nearly joyously painful. The movie is a group of set items greater than
anything, equivalent to a psychic investigator who has a tv present (Roni
Jonah, who as luck would have it has the best title for a narrative a few large
fish that swallows individuals) and turns into possessed by the demon, or the shark,
I’m unsure, however she will get to do an abbreviated model of the inexperienced pea soup
bit (Ali does the total one). Then there’s some sorority sister wannabes, a
mentally challenged girl obsessive about sharks, and a pleasant cameo by filmmaker James
Balsamo as a jogger. There may be additionally a non-sequitur piece involving a seance in a
cemetery that doesn’t go wherever. A lot of them contain ladies in bikinis, or at
least swimsuits, if that’s your factor. Humorous, no nudity, although, and no gore
both, simply syrup-looking blood. It takes some time earlier than the priest (Bobby
Kerecz, hubby of Angela) comes into the image aside from in bits and items.
When he reveals up, he will get to do the exorcist a part of the title on Ali, tied to
a tree slightly than a mattress, in very inexperienced vogue and unhealthy sound high quality.
The coda of the movie throughout the credit is 2 prolonged b-rolls that I consider
have been meant to point a attainable sequel, however so far as I do know, that hasn’t
occurred but. Disgrace.
Ouija Shark
Directed by Scott
Patrick (aka Brett Kelly)
Say What Productions; Wild
Eye Releasing; MVD Leisure
70 minutes, 2020
www.wildeyereleasing.com
www.mvdb2b.com
As I’ve mentioned earlier than
in different opinions, whereas I don’t consider within the supernatural as a actuality, Ouija
boards unnerve me. I used to be given one as soon as as a teen, tried it a few occasions
with no outcomes, however nonetheless not solely threw it away, however chopped it up with a
hatchet first. For this Canadian movie (due to sharks within the Nice Lakes?), tatted,
multiply face-pierced and sure in a cleavage-bearing bikini underneath her GOAT tee
(a little bit of self-referencing, because the band’s music is used over the ultimate
credit), Jill (Steph Goodwin) finds an odd spirit board at a seaside that appears
prefer it was constituted of a chunk of a wrecked ship. Becoming a member of with a gaggle of ladies
after at a home, And what else is that this bunch gonna do however use mentioned board…although
I’m unsure the place Jill managed to get an outsized heart-shaped planchette
(sans window), which was not discovered on the seaside. This raises a
see-through albeit lethal ghostish shark that’s not locked to water, and even
has a cougar-like growl. It flies via the air with the best of ease,
chasing down individuals (when feminine, they’re in bikinis) in forests, or floating
above a pool. Final movie I made feedback a few shark in a lake, however right here,
there isn’t even that. But, for a movie that claims to price lower than US$300, it
nonetheless appears respectable if implausible. However the physique depend is excessive with some tacky
gore. The appearing is generally okay and the solid is unquestionably good within the
eye-candy manner (particularly our authentic group, together with Zoe City, Robin Hodge, Christina
Roman, and Amy Osborne; wait, if this can be a Canadian movie, can I nonetheless use the
Oxford comma?), although Jill’s dad (John Migliore, who co-wrote the movie) is as
picket as a stake; however once more, all a part of the enjoyment of the low-budget sea (or
floating above sea) creature expertise. Whereas daddy dearest consults a psychic
(Kylie Gough), Jill groups with a mysterious man with an echoey, otherworldly
voice (the director, Brett Kelly), with a view to cease this ghost gnasher. Will
they succeed? Does it matter? Movies like this are usually for the enjoyable journey,
not essentially the vacation spot. Whereas technically not a comedy, per se,
there’s a good use of (intentional) humor within the dialogue right here and there,
largely as throwaway traces, but it surely livens it up a bit. I undoubtedly smiled at
these elements, particularly the coda piece tagged on the top, and using a
French phrase that was a sensible and intelligent selection.
Virus Shark
Directed by Mark
Polonia
Polonia Brothers
Leisure; SRS Cinema; MVD Leisure
74 minutes, 2021
http://srscinema.com/house
www.mvdb2b.com
This will likely be considered one of two shark movies coated that was
directed by Shark… I imply Mark Polonia, who appears to have made a bit of his
profession on odd shark movies, like Amityville Island (2020) and Noah’s
Shark (2021). Based on IMDB, the funds for this one was $182, which
doesn’t appear real looking to me contemplating the quantity of CGI, until they didn’t
even funds for catering. It additionally makes whole sense that somebody would mix
the pandemic and sharks (or anything). The illness right here known as SHVID-1.
Whereas there is no such thing as a supernatural factor current and it takes itself considerably severely,
I think about it odd sufficient to be on this record (once more, a praise). For this
story, sharks have been contaminated and their bites on people has escalated to a
worldwide catastrophe, with cities burning and mass quantities of individuals dying,
maybe even sufficient that the Crimson states acknowledge it this time. A gaggle of
scientists are in a analysis lab underneath the ocean (?) to experiment on captured
contaminated sharks to try to discover a remedy. It appears prefer it was filmed in a sparse
workplace constructing the place there may be completely no signage on the cement block partitions,
giving each a claustrophobic really feel, and considered one of expansive house, thanks partially
to the staircases, the place some scenes are shot. They’re an odd bunch of randy
individuals, watched over by a single sociopathic macho safety guard with naked
arms to indicate off the “weapons,” Duke (Ken Van Sant, who has performed this character
or variations of it earlier than in such movies as 2016’s Sharkenstein and Bigfoot
vs. Zombies, each directed by Polonia), who appears like he simply stepped out
of Troma’s Surf Nazi’s Should Die (1987). There may be an attention-grabbing mixture of
Zoom kind photographs and teams collectively for filming throughout the pandemic; I’m
guessing the teams have been filmed early on and the Zooming later within the 12 months at
the peak of Part 1. For me, the largest downside right here is that it takes itself
too severely, even with characters which can be extraordinarily stereotypical (once more,
randy scientists who appear extra inquisitive about attainable hook-ups than the remedy).
The top of the crew, Gregory McLandon (Titus Himmelberger, who has appeared in
various Polonia shark-related releases, wanting fairly a bit like Josh
Brolin in 2007’s Planet Terror). He undoubtedly has extra curiosity in a
previous lover who’s the group’s connection to the floor world gone to hell,
Shannon Muldoon (Sarah Duterte) than his job. The one scientists who really
appears to provide a care, and presumably near a breakthrough, is Ann Satcher
(Natalie Himmelberger) and Kristi Parks (Jamie Morgan). Between backstabbing,
failing infrastructure, and the virus beginning to unfold within the shut quarters
(reference, maybe, to Poe’s brief story, “Masque of the Crimson Loss of life,” from 1842),
issues get furry, and zombie-like. I like that Polonia tends to make use of a lot of the
similar solid in lots of his movies, giving some form of consistency. That doesn’t
imply it’s essentially acted nicely, however as with the remainder of the zeitgeist, it makes
it unintendedly humorous in a great way. With all of the mishigas, the story
actually kicked in when the publicity underneath the ocean takes maintain and begins to
ravage the solid. Then there are the mutant blood-drinking “marauders.” A lot
taking place in such a brief piece, it doesn’t get the possibility to get boring. The
make-up is tacky however not too unhealthy for the funds. Total, the movie was time
nicely spent in silliness. In my humble opinion, I want the Polonia brothers
would reduce down a bit on their schedules and pay a bit extra consideration to 1
movie at a time, maybe the general high quality could be improved from unintendedly
humorous to maybe so-bad-its-good (Mark launched six movies he directed in 2021, with
yet another accomplished and two in post-production, for instance). Both manner, once more,
it’s well worth the watch only for the audacity of it. Respect, brothers.
Home Shark
Directed by Ron Bonk
Potato Eater
Productions; SRS Cinema; Duke; MVD Leisure
112 minutes, 2017
www.fb.com/houseshark
www.sharkhousemovie.com
www.srscinema.com
www.MVDb2b.com
Director Ron Bonk has
not solely directed a bunch of oddball movies normally, like She Kills (2016)
and Clay (2007), however has additionally produced various shark movies for different
individuals, such because the Polonia Brothers. Bonk runs SRS Cinema, so he has a
private outlet. His personal movies are inclined to lean to the foolish aspect, however with a pointy
snide of comedy that balances it out. Good stoner stuff, if I used to be into that. He
additionally appears to have a factor for bizarre facial hair both reduce in unique methods or
so fakey wanting paste-ons one can’t assist however snigger. On this case he depends on
the character of Abraham (Wes Reid) for that, who wears a fakey Lincoln kinda
beard and matching shock wig. For some cause, a lot of the characters are named
after US presidents and different historic figures, equivalent to the principle character Frank
Roosevelt (Trey Harrison, who was the also-weirdly mustachioed Dirk in She
Kills) whose spouse is Girl Fowl (Melissa LaMartina) and his son is Theo
(Nathan Bonk), the Home Shark hunter Zachary Taylor (Michael Service provider), and many others.,
together with the shark. If that doesn’t point out that this can be a comedy, I don’t
know what’s going to, however yeah, it’s nicely written if acted with heavy emoting at
occasions, and to this point is the very best of the shark movies on this record. For the story,
Frank’s home has been invaded by a home shark (in land-locked Rochester, NY),
who clearly can transfer on land and make a gory and bloody mess. Frank is attempting
to guard individuals however a shadowy actual property company is aiming to promote it from
underneath him earlier than it will get foreclosed by the financial institution. Hilarity, gratuitous nudity
and gore abound as Frank enlists Zachary and Abraham to plot methods to eliminate
this foul house-bound creature. There are many mash-ups thrown in, equivalent to a
Star Wars reference with Darth Squanto (Wayne Johnson), Aliens (1986)
and a Tarantino-esque dialog about merchandising machines that might have come from Pulp
Fiction (1994). In Jaws (1975) phrases, or Aw-jays in Pig Latin
as it’s used on this movie, every character suits a task, with ex-cop Frank within the
Brody function, researcher Zachary as Hooper, and gruff alcoholic Abraham filling
in for Quint, who will get to do a hysterical model of Quint’s navy story regarding
the Actual Property Parade of Homes. It’s true that the movie is a bit longer than
it must be, but it surely by no means drags, even with a fixation on issues associated to
the anus. But with out the motion, and there’s a lot, particularly within the second
half, the dialogue itself holds up; some by Abraham sounds advert libbed. I used to be impressed
with the pro-LGBQT stances scattered all through and dissatisfied a bit by the
homophobic names. As a straight dude, I’m having hassle studying which manner the
movie leans, professional or con. With using audacious underwater filters, very
seen strings on objects to make them appear like they’re floating, and breath
holding for ridiculous quantities of time, the movie jogs my memory a little bit of LakeMichigan Monster (2020), which is a excessive praise. Make certain to stay round till after the credit
for the coda. My large query, although, is as follows: because it takes place and
is filmed in Rochester, did anybody sneak a bit north to Irondequoit to go to
the Home of Guitars (The HOG)?
Shark
Encounters of the Third Sort (aka Aliens vs. Sharks)
Directed by Mark Polonia
Polonia Brothers
Leisure; Wild Eye Releasing; MVD Leisure
75 minutes, 2020
www.wildeyereleasing.com
www.MVDb2b.com
The explanation I saved
this one for final is that I’m a fan of the screenwriter, John Oak Dalton (an
interview together with about this movie is HERE), who directed The Woman within the Crawlspace (2018) and Scarecrow County (2019) together with writing quite a few screenplays for the Polonia Brothers. I’ll say
one factor for the Polonias, they definitely do prefer to make use of masks, together with
this, the beforementioned Virus Shark, and The Empire of the Apes franchise
that began in 2013). Primarily based in title solely on two Steven Spielberg works, it will be silly to
examine them, simply on funds alone. The entire price of that is in all probability an infinitesimal
fraction of the wage of one of many stars of both earlier movie. No, the
cause to observe that is to see what they’ll do for a way little, the purposefully
cheese degree, and the sheer absurdity and audacity of all of it. And once more, this
is a praise. As Dalton mentioned in that interview, “I prefer to attempt to make (my
movies) humorous, with loads of nods to horror fandom, a number of vitality and outlandish
conditions and characters.” In that, he’s totally profitable. The swimmer underwater
close to the start alone speaks to that, and had me feeling joyous in its
visible and textual madness. Polonia does nicely to combine inventory footage and newly
shot ones – generally even combining them – to create an environment that fools
nobody, however places the scene in acceptable context. And I haven’t even gotten to
the opening credit but, which are available in on the 9-minute mark. As for the crux of
the story, cleavage-bearing therapist Dr. Kay Radtke (Jennie Russo, who was so
good in She Kills, and looking out so significantly better than she did in a cameo in
Home Shark), who appears to solely personal one costume (sure, it’s that movie funds
factor, however no less than it accentuates) discovers a person’s shark bitten head on a
seaside, which brings in square-jawed harbor patrol Alan Cason (Titus
Himmelberger, who has top-of-the-line traces within the movie based mostly on John Carpenter’s
1988’s They Dwell) on the job. Radtke is now operating her late group
periods in Santa Monica for individuals who have been kidnapped, or consider they
have (in fact they’ve on this context), together with Camila and Nesbo (Natalie
Himmelberger and Steve Diasparra, respectively, each of whom, together with Titus
and others, are Polonia regulars, and all appeared in Virus Shark). In the meantime,
there are treasure hunters in search of a U-Boat that was reportedly sunk in
1945 with escaping Nazis and gold (or was it an city legend?). To complete the
trifecta, a pair of “greys” have taken their UFO and gone unda da wata, with
intentions unknown. All three elements of the story dance round one another, and
will ultimately crash and smash right into a single storyline, I’ve little question, as
they have a tendency to do within the movie world. Polonia and Dalton have very comparable movie
aesthetics so far as eager to entertain the viewers, they usually have confirmed,
as soon as once more, within the schlockiest of how (once more, a praise), they’ve the flexibility.
Simply hold your expectations at a sure degree, not anticipating a MCU degree
extravaganza, and it’s possible you’ll simply end up having some enjoyable.
